One of the perks of writing a blog and being in a place of widespread personal development is trying to figure out which parts to broadcast and which ones to just plain-old keep private. I say all of that borderline sarcastic. To add even more into the mix, I personally use different art mediums to communicate things that I go through and to even show how I get through things. Some things will remain private moments as not everything is always needed to be made public.
Over the Summer and through the Fall I started a self-portrait series using photography in which I photographed myself in both staged and non-staged environments to retell events that I’ve gone through, to display battles I was facing in those current moments, and to capture what I hoped to eventually step into and embody. As I progressed through the project, I began to feel tapped out of things to say through photography. I was at a loss for words when it came to blogging. Even my journal was dry through those months. I practically was just alive is how I felt. Just living one day to the next without aim, without point (in my mind), and without much effort.
The switch from that to where I am right now is that of a miracle. Though I must say that there within itself was a gift for going through that time where all I was doing was photographing to be able to express what I didn’t know how to express with words. Getting out of where I was to where I am right now didn’t take countless hours of prayer but it did take prayer. It didn’t take days upon days of fasting but it has taken getting to a place of cutting back on junk. It hasn’t taken deep solitude but it has taken some honest reflection and doing so by way of cracking open the bible again and sitting with it; journaling the most uncomfortable of thoughts and feelings that would come up…just sitting in those moments with Jesus and allowing Him to move and arrange things that I never could. (And yes I said again on the opening the bible because to be honest I got very dry and was just merely listening to it be read but Psalm 78 stopped me in my tracks recently and I started journaling again.)
With sifting through my life to find out where do I put which art form when it comes to documenting life and posting online, I’m being faced with this thing of missing out (in general in life) and missing out when it comes to capturing moments as well. There was a post I made on ig about a month ago before I took some time away from it where I shared the sentiment that not everything is for consumption in a person’s life. Not everything has to be put on display and I would venture to say that not everything should be, yet I have also been the same person to find it therapeutic to dish things out through one art form or another. And to be honest, much of the oversharing has come from both not digging deep enough in quiet moments to myself through journaling and also comes from wanting God to reach back out to me when I reach for what I think is Him when I’m unsure of where to turn. I ultimately came to a place today where I know it’s time to face my sin with God and really begin to come to know how it has actually made Him feel. Not just waltzing through like I can just throw up an apology, ask for forgiveness and everything be fine…no; I have to face it and journaling to scriptures in Psalm 78 helped me to see my sin and know to an extent how much I have hurt the Lord with my actions and my lack of faith.
I think on one hand putting these things on display is helpful in that I get to the privilege of documenting my growth. I went back to look at the posts I wrote when I first started this blog and everything seemed so polished and nice. Some of it was legitimately where I was but there was still so much brokenness that I couldn’t see and wasn’t getting down to. Even now I know there is still brokenness that needs healing but now I’m not trying to go about doing it on my own to heal (to my best because sometimes I still try to on my own but even that is being worked on).
Warrior Letters 