The Road Down and Through Procrastination

Photo by Nubelson Fernandes on Unsplash

As I was folding laundry today I started thinking about why I have been so afraid to approach the very things I have always wanted. Whether it has been getting involved with community, sharpening my skills in various crafts I love, or stepping out into an area of life I often dreamed of, I have struggled to take the necessary steps to get there. I wrestled with both my excuses and God as I fought against receiving many of the gifts He is currently preparing me for. Living in this dichotomy of wanting the things God desires for me yet fighting against His hand to receive them is sadly something I have been doing for years. Over the years, I wanted to truly feel and embrace love yet I kept failing to spend time with the one who is Love. I wanted peace so badly that I would sleep to keep away the pain that comes with living but I would not take the time to rest in the one who is Peace. I saw the same thing with wanting the blessings God personally has for me while still pushing away His hand out of fear.

Though I sensed that I was afraid of receiving these blessings, I didn’t know why. In hindsight, there have been so many lies that have circulated through the background of my mind that I could hardly keep up with them. They kept my mind occupied while I stuck to the narrative that this was just the way it was for me. It kept me from even trying to push forward and do the practical things that would bring me closer to what God had and still has for me. You may have heard people profess the phrase “I’m waiting on God.”, but I couldn’t help but notice as I kept waiting and seeking God that I was approaching a new stance in life where He was actually waiting on me.

In high school (and honestly through all of my schooling) I spent a lot of time procrastinating. I would put off doing the required reading because I felt inadequate about my reading speed and comprehension. I stalled on writing papers because I felt I was unable to articulate my words just right. I refrained from sharing my suggestions and experiences during group projects because I believed everyone else’s input would always be better than mine so I didn’t bother. Though at times I could pinpoint why I would procrastinate, I was never fully able to identify where it came from. When I was able to discover procrastination’s roots, still it was never enough to actually disarm its power so I could successfully move past the major mountains that kept me from achieving the level of success I actually had the potential to.

The first time I ever academically achieved closed to the goal I desired was my first semester of college. I made sure to work on assignments right after they were assigned, I took my time reading so I could comprehend well, and if I knew a project was due at the end of the semester, I made time to work on it over a span of time instead of waiting until the night before. I was proud of myself for working my name onto the Dean’s list but it didn’t last. Even with having done this in one semester, I lacked the consistency to do it throughout college.

With my freshman and sophomore year of college under my belt, I just knew I would be able to start afresh and get back on the right track until I was diagnosed with major depression. The saddest part of my low level of productivity was thinking it was just the normal thing for me. After all, it had been that way since elementary school and I figured everyone else was right at this point; that I was lazy, undisciplined, and just not that bright. I lived life frustrated thinking if I just kept pressing in a way that didn’t have to do with academia, perhaps I could still be successful in some kind of way. Over the last three years, God has stripped back the curtain on how my relationship with Him is in direct correlation to why I struggled after a successful first semester in college (I actually almost didn’t graduate), why I struggled academically as a young child, and why at times I still struggle to overcome finishing things I have started or just simply start in the first place.

So back to the laundry; As I sat on the bed folding clothes this evening, I just had a very frank conversation with God about the desires of my heart and why I am so afraid to be blessed with them. At one point I was afraid money would be an issue and I would trade my relationship with Him for it. He straight up and down let me know that I can’t help people the way I most desire if I’m broke (He specifically used the word ‘broke‘ too and said it with emphasis…my response was “oooookaaaaay God, I get it but you didn’t have to say it like that!). I was afraid of being a part of a community of believers because at one point I was badly hurt by others who said they believed in God too. Before I knew it, I saw community as a necessity to help me through life’s challenges and yet I was afraid to be involved. I then came across the fear of becoming a published author. I kept thinking of all the excuses I had and how I had never done anything like it but at some point, everyone comes in contact with doing something they have never done before.

At this time, procrastination has become less of something I automatically do because of a lack of awareness of my thoughts, what they are linked to, and lies, but now it is more of a clear fork in the road. It is a place I regularly come to and decide whether I want to delay the blessings God has for me or whether I want to run straight down a new path, trusting that He in all of His infiniteness is enough for me to lean on to be able to complete the practical steps required to fulfill the assignments on my life and do them successfully.

Over the years I have watched many people younger and older be disciplined in what they do; from something as simple as making their bed to writing and working on podcasts on a consistent basis. As they progressed, I witnessed the results they cultivated were pure excellence in their consistent and persistent labor. I have been reminded that as I begin to learn how to do something, there is a fair chance of making mistakes, however, that should never stop me from starting or finishing. Today is the one day I know I truly have and the moment I am in is one I know I can either decide to do something or put it off. I once watched a young lady wash only a portion of her dishes as she told me she does that because she doesn’t always have the energy or desire to do it all at once. I used to dread doing things in one sitting so I tended to put it all off completely. I can attest that doing things in phases has actually helped me work my way into living a life where I am not only more intentional about my time and getting things done but it also helps me to be consistent (which I believe is leading me towards the path of excellence).

Even writing this post in one sitting was something I always wanted to be able to do on a regular basis but I would always make excuses, pick apart my writing, and then stop completely. I ended up with many posts labeled as unpublished drafts and the majority of them have remained untouched. This month, I pledge to do things at the moment I see they can be done and if I am unable to do it right at that moment or finish, I aim to do them at the moment that is in line with prioritizing the most important thing at that moment. I now give myself permission to put things to the side for a moment if I need some time to just recalibrate and come back to it later.

We would love to hear about your experiences with procrastination. If you have any stories of walking through the struggle with procrastination and would like to share with readers how you have overcome or are currently overcoming it, please contact us through our contact page or email us your testimony at warriorlettersblog@gmail.com.