Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash
There’s so much happening in the world right now. Even if you don’t get out much, chances are, either you are going through hardships right now or you probably know of someone who is (or possibly even both). Over the past month, my family and I have been going through many trials together and individually. In times when we felt stronger, we seemed to have many friends who were going through a lot and needed lifting up. It’s so easy to bypass others in their hurt when we are surrounded on every side by battles of our own.
For much of my life, it felt as though I was at the mercy of whatever life wanted to dish out. Much of the time I viewed life as something that just happened to me. From age nine to twenty-seven, I struggled with depression and anxiety. As a result of many things that happened in my childhood, I transformed from a child that trusted easily to one that was skeptical by default. From skepticism stemmed the paranoia that others wanted to harm me, use me, violate me, etc. In my current awareness, I recognize that the unhealed pains of childhood kept me from always reaching out for help and also receiving help when I was in emotional and spiritual distress. I only began reaching out to others for help a few years ago.
Prior to actively seeking out others for help, I believed that God was doing a new work in me and I believed at some point He was going to fully heal me from depression, anxiety, and my default approach to life with skepticism. I however did not take into account that community would heavily be involved. I figured God would just peer down and BOOM! healed, but that isn’t at all how it happened. With complete transparency, I can say that every day is a battle to not get tangled up in depression, anxiety, or skepticism. Some days are great and I begin to feel very extroverted and then other days I completely isolate myself. Learning where my limits are and exercising healthy boundaries has helped both myself, my family, and other friends and community to know when I just need time to recoup.
During the moments there didn’t seem to be anyone I could lean on to guide me through problems I was facing, there were a handful of things I learned to do. The first was simply being naked and vulnerable with God. For so long I thought I had to have an orthodox approach to prayer when I spoke to God. I didn’t realize just how much that belief hindered me from getting healed for many years. It wasn’t until I really started reading through Psalms and listening to the things David would say that I started giving the idea of being very frank with God an honest try. I’m not at all saying that this next part is something proper to do, but sometimes my language is colorful when I’m talking to God and in times when I feel extremely upset or sad I just let it all come out. It’s not directed at Him but rather the situations. Even still He is showing me to be careful of what I label situations and aspects of my life, as they are also gifts from Him to bring me closer. I can say each time I have bared my heart and soul to Him in conversation, He ALWAYS showed up. He always comforted me at that moment and I walked away from our time together literally knowing that He took the weight of that burden off of me because I no longer felt heavy about it. Even in times when I still felt heavy, I rested in knowing He was taking care of every worry and every pain.
In the “prime” of my walk with God, when I thought I knew everything, I was not very gracious to others. It was a lot of “all truth, no grace” and I said something to someone in the name of correcting them one time and their response was “Well, I’m not going to lie about it because God already knows how I feel anyway.”. I had absolutely no words. None. I learned, even more, there really is no need to hide how I feel from God because He really does already know.
The next step for me in the process of getting free and staying free from depression, anxiety, and skepticism was taking the time to forgive. Prior to a sermon I watched, I often felt like forgiving was just putting it out of sight. I did not understand that it was going to be a process and one that I would have to remain committed to every time I was reminded of offenses that others committed against me and those I committed against others. Often when forgiveness is mentioned, I usually don’t hear people talking about the importance of forgiving one’s own self! Much of the times I felt offended by something someone did or said, I later found it was rooted in something I believed about myself and was linked to me having my identity anchored in something else other than Christ in that area. Once I started being able to identify the things I hated about myself secretly embedded in the words and actions of others, I was able to take ownership of how I helped in the development of my own hurt. I regularly would have one on one mirror talks with myself to apologize to myself for how I saw, spoke, and treated myself. Normalizing this has enabled me to quickly forgive myself right after noticing an offense I have committed against me.
Many of the things I hated about myself were directly tied to things said and done to me as a child. I could list the myriad things that I kept picking apart in myself because of others but the most helpful thing has been spending time in God’s word and in His presence. I must admit that many times I would crack open my Bible, read the black and red ink knowing it was true but still feel no change. I was later afforded the opportunity to be a part of a small group where I was taught how to make room for God’s Holy Spirit by inviting Him into each time in His word. Part of this was done by sitting still in a manner that was without tension in the body, just simply relaxing, and also sitting quietly literally and mentally. As I began to spend more time with God in this way I noticed how I meditated less on self-deprecating thoughts and more on His thoughts about me. The more I did this, the easier it was to let go of old ideas about who I was by the world’s standards and cling to the identity that I inherited.
The last and major thing I do is ask God to help me maintain the strength that He continues to lend to me day to day and moment to moment. I would be lying if I said just do these things and then all your troubles are gone never to return. We will have troubles in this life but I can attest to the work of maintaining freedom from the ebb and flow of emotions to be something worth the fight. As I have continued to grow in my relationship with God, my awareness of my constant need for Him has grown. The more I acknowledge His presence in each moment of my life, the easier it is for me to give Him every single worry, complaint, fear, pair; whatever is weighing me down at the moment. When I maintain a tight connection with God in each moment, it drastically frees me up to rest and relax knowing that no matter how tough my days get or how high my emotions flood, if He was able to give me a time of joy and laughter in a previous season, He is faithful to bring a new season around for me to enjoy life again.
Last but not least, I want to let you as a reader know you aren’t alone in your walk or your experiences. I will leave you with the words of Peter in 1 Peter 5:6-11, “So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are. in his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen.”
If you or someone you know is in crisis and struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline for help by calling 1-800-273-8255 or visiting http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org to chat online with someone.
God bless you, I am praying for you.
Warrior Letters 