Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash
Many of my emotions and thoughts almost two weeks ago seemed to loom around having a child. I don’t know how to explain the weight of living in this kind of tension in light of my current circumstances. It’s like if you were wanting a child when you know you have already had complications with conceiving before, you just went through a divorce, and you see others enjoying their marriage and being fruitful and multiplying. It’s just plain hard. So to keep my mind off of myself, I thought it would be a good idea to help someone decorate for a gender reveal party. I felt led to take my camera with me so I could take pictures while I was there.
Over the course of my life, I have acquired many false beliefs about myself. Those same beliefs mixed with temperamental emotions tend to come together and are often validated by circumstances and the words and actions of others. I then find myself with an active internal volcano ready to overflow into a terrible break down. How does any of this relate to a party you attended or photographs, Paris? Well I’m glad you asked as you read the question! Here is my account of how all of these things collided on a day when God called me to serve in my pain.
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I did my best to keep myself together while at the party though I knew many could tell there was something wrong and I was struggling to keep it at bay. The party hadn’t even started before enemy advances had been made against me. To be clear, I don’t mean enemy as in a person but as in principalities, evil spirits, and darkness in the earth. As I mentioned before, I took my camera with me so I could take pictures during the event. I wanted to not only keep myself busy so as to not sulk and make things all about myself but also to use the very gift I have been given to capture the joy that was soon to overflow to the expecting parents and all of their family.
The first major blow came when I least expected anything to come hurdling my way. I was approached by someone who mentioned that they couldn’t remember who I was but they knew who my sister was. I have struggled for many years with comparison. I have been compared to my peers, my sister, and other family in the field of school academics, music, and level of overall discipline. I also have my own self inflicted wounds from comparing myself to my sister socially and physically. So to hear that my sister was remembered but I was not, it left me in a state of wanting to choose flight over fight. I wanted to head straight for the door, leave the event, go home, and curl up under the sheets. I didn’t even fix my mouth to tell the person what my name was. For a second I felt frozen and couldn’t even believe I was in this moment. There where so many people who could see my face and everything my body and expressions were screaming out. Before I could even get myself together to tell the person my name, someone else said it for me with a hint of irritation towards the person speaking to me. I felt relieved. Defended. Propped up. Supported.
I found myself trying to find the best place to stand after that so I wouldn’t feel as though I was in the way. I didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself. I noticed the same person who didn’t remember who I was (let’s just call him Calvin) brought two cameras with him. If I’m being completely honest, the moment I saw his cameras with their beefy lenses attached and the lens hoods, I glanced down at my camera and wanted to take it off of my shoulder and go put it away. I felt so small in that moment. I felt as if what I would produce that evening would be so insignificant compared to what they would produce. However, I was reminded that it didn’t matter what they had in terms of gear or even in terms of their talent, it was about following what I felt God was placing in me to do in that evening which was relax, enjoy taking pictures just for the fun of it, and for me to be confident in what I know I am able to do with what I already have.
I was now fighting so many things in my mind and trying my best to make sure no offenses were off somewhere taking root in my heart. I stood out of the way as best as I could when Calvin’s wife came and stood next to me. We will call her Selene. Selene asked me if I was ok and gently rubbed my back. I felt a well of emotions irrupt deep inside of my stomach. I thought I was on the verge of crying one of those guttural cries that almost feels like you’re vomiting up all of your emotions. As much as I wanted to, I stopped myself while I played “It’s not about me today” on repeat in my head. So I lied to Selene when I nodded my head ‘yes’ when she asked if I was ok, though I knew I was not. She didn’t have to say anything more to me as she stood beside me. It was as if she just knew. I could sense the sweetest flow of understanding and love drifting from her to me like a sweet fragrance being carried through gentle winds.
Not too long after, I started to regain a bit of confidence and composure, Calvin approached me with his cameras around his neck, hoisted over his hips like two messenger bags. He asked me how long had I been taking pictures. I responded in part by saying since high school (I’m currently 28). Before I could get all of my statement out, I was cut off as he asked if what I had was a 50mm. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I was so fixed on managing all the emotions and thoughts I didn’t want anyone to see that I didn’t have the capacity to give space to his question too. My mind went straight to thinking he was asking if that was the size of the film in the camera, so I answered him by saying it was digital. He responded by saying digital was better anyway and walked off. It wasn’t until later that it dawned on me that he was asking about the lens I had attached to my camera. I felt embarrassed and further as if I really didn’t know what I was doing compared to him.
Calvin came back once more to where Selene and I were quietly standing and mentioned a lot of the work of photography was in editing. I didn’t say anything in response and he began to walk away but promptly changed his mind to share the remainder of what was on it. He finished by stating if you’re really good, you don’t have to do much editing anyway. I chose again to not give a verbal response. Before he walked away, it was as if I could almost see him naked. I don’t mean in a sexual way, but in a way that amid everything he chose to say, I could see that perhaps Calvin was not aware of what I was seeing in his heart. As I stood there by Selene, neither of us spoke a word. I started to wonder why Calvin would feel comfortable saying these things to me in the way he had. Before I fully got on board the offense train, I realized that actually inside of us all is a small child that is often screaming out the pains in which we have yet to be healed of. What I saw in Calvin that day was my own self.
There were and still are times when I call myself flexing my knowledge in front of others, not recognizing until later I really did it because I felt small, inferior, and unknowledgeable. I felt like if I didn’t fluff up my own feathers, others would know I didn’t know very much, that I wasn’t at the level I desired to be at in any particular area of my life. I kept that in mind as I took pictures the duration of the evening. Sometimes Calvin would walk through my line of sight as I was about to take a photo. Sometimes he would step right in front of me and proceed to back up and look over his shoulder. I again felt the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of me being small, insignificant, and unimportant rising up to take siege on my heart, each time I had to remember I don’t fight against people, I fight against the evil spirits that go around the Earth trying to lead me and others to believe things that just are not true.
I eventually headed home while many were still at the party. I cried on and off as I drove. I cried more after I got home and sat down on my bed. I could feel God inviting me to give what I was feeling to Him. The sting of the hurts and pains I picked up at the party began to subside and I sat until I could feel His love and His peace touch the part of my heart that my tears flowed from. I began looking at and editing the photos I had taken. My heart response to the images was not the one I thought I would have. I anticipated I would be extremely sad and feel low. Instead, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy for the expecting parents as I saw the images of their smiles stretched wide across their faces in response to the gender of their child. I felt an overwhelming peace knowing I didn’t say or do anything that I would later regret on account of the doubt I had in myself, the doubt I had in my abilities, and the pain of my series of circumstances. It felt great knowing that even though I didn’t walk around with a Kool-Aid smile on my face the whole time, I didn’t bail on being present at the party or taking photos. As I mentioned in a previous post, I generally look for an exit out of a situation before I ever need one.
Though there was a lot of hurt and pain I felt, I gained a surplus of deep treasures in contrast:
- I learned how to put others before myself and not feel I have to make everything about me and the pain I feel.
- I learned how to get involved and serve those who are receiving the blessings I am waiting to receive for myself instead of being bitter.
- I learned that I don’t have to respond to anyone or anything that doesn’t address me as who I really am.
- I learned I can just be silent and trust God in the moments when I feel like caving in.
If you have a ‘pop quiz’ that you have gone through while enduring pain, we would love to hear what you learned from your experience.
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