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We are told as Christians that we demolish arguments and every claim that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5 NIV). But what happens when we try to wage war in the battlefield of our minds but our actions are still rebellious towards God (1 Sam 15:23 NLT)? What happens when we really believe that we are within the will of God in a moment’s time, only to have Holy Spirit correct us and bring to our remembrance the fundamentals of our faith we seemed to have forgotten? One of them being OBEDIENCE.
I woke up Wednesday morning in a haze, trying to understand what all I dreamed through the night. Dreams of shame being lobbied my way by family, selfish decisions, and a host of sexual moments I believed in my waking life to have surrendered over to the Lord. It seemed as though the previous two nights were just a prelude to the dreams that flooded my mind this time. Only now, I was beginning to question if those things that I used to do were still my desires. Was I still allowing shame, greed, and lust to sit on the throne of my heart where I knew God should be?
At once I began to try to gather myself mentally, only to fall again and again as I began to cry out to God with questions and vast concerns about the condition of my heart. Each moment feeling as though He was only moving further and further away from me. Though in reality, it was me who was moving away. The thought of God beginning a work in me, only for me to take on such roles within my dreams made me feel as though I must be repulsive to Him. But I still kept trying to reach out to Him because I believe the work He has begun in me, He will complete (Phil. 1:5-6 NIV). I believe I am a child of God (John 1:12 NIV). I believe I have been justified (Romans 5:1 NIV). I believe I am a saint (Eph 1:1 KJV). I believe I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2 NIV). I believe I am a branch of the true vine, a channel of Jesus’s life (John 15:1,5 NIV). And I believe I may approach God with freedom and confidence (Eph 3:12NIV).
I descended the stairs of my home to find my spouse standing there asking if I was okay. I mustered up a ‘no’. He offered to make me breakfast, a tea, anything, and yet the only thing I wanted that morning more than anything was God’s peace, so I asked for prayer. He fell to his knees sobbing as he prayed. He had seen me in this state before but each time it happens, he is grieved more and more. A wave of clarity came over me and I began to pray and cry out to God again for answers. I took every negative thought that came my way captive; dispelling and dismantling each lie with God’s truths. I felt the weight lifting slightly and could feel Holy Spirit prompting me to reach out to my church staff, then my small group. With prayers going out and responses coming to my phone and email, I was oh so gently reminded of the simplicity and complexity of being obedient to God.
It was there, in the email response from one of my pastors that I saw what God was telling me. I was reminded that I had neglected to exercise for two weeks. I repented in that moment and asked God for forgiveness.
In the Spring of 2013 I was diagnosed with a form of depression. Over the years it progressively got worse and came with other more severe symptoms. Part of God healing me from major depressive disorder is me doing the parts that I can do in the natural realm and leaving what I can not do to God in the supernatural realm. I fully support people who are healed by having faith alone. I love it and believe God still heals that way every day. For me, on this particular part of my journey, and with what I have asked for, it’s a bit of ‘faith and…’. Often we want to just believe for miracles and healing but we negate the very strength that God has given us to be able to work out certain things that we have asked Him for. For example, I used to weigh 263 lbs. I would say all the time I wanted to lose weight and would begin to workout and eat right but it never stuck until one day, I asked God for His help. From that day on, I started losing weight and keeping it off. Without first asking for His help, and then doing what His Spirit instructed of me in the physical, I do not believe that I would have been successful in losing weight.
It sounds silly and so small, but how many times have you seemingly found your life blown to bits? You find yourself up in airs about your circumstances when you finally realize that you stopped doing that very thing or things that God told you to do. I can remember someone coming up to me in a bit of despair one day to tell me about the report they had received from the doctor about the decline in their health. They had gone through a series of ups and downs like this before, but they made the decision in the previous knockdown to eat better and exercise. I gave them a muted stale look and proceeded onward with what I had set out to do in that moment. It seemed cold but I knew they knew what they were supposed to be doing that they had not been doing.
Sometimes we sit around waiting for miracles to happen like losing weight, getting promoted or getting out of financial debt, but are unwilling to do the physical work that we need to do so that God can work the miracle through us. If I told you I wanted to lose twenty pounds but refused to exercise and eat right, you would not expect me to lose weight would you? The same goes for someone who wants a promotion but will not put in an application or has not been submitted to earthly authorities, and thus has not been submitted to God (Romans 13:1-10 NIV), but expects God to promote them. As does someone in financial debt; if they keep swiping their credit cards and opening new accounts but pray that God will work a miracle that they will get out of debt. It’s possible that they may not see that miracle happen.
It is key to understand that even in the doing that we can do, that we are not just doing anything. I used to think asking God to help me meant petitioning for His aid and then going about executing my own plans. However, getting in God’s presence with the purpose of making my request known and then waiting with the goal being to listen for His instruction is what I was missing. We often pray to spill out all of our worries and frustrations to God and ask for copious amounts of things without taking the free gift of guidance and peace. It is okay to tell Him about every concern (Phil 4:6-7 NIV), but also be willing to take the counsel and rest He oh so graciously wants to give you in exchange.
What once felt like a huge wave of complexity that morning turned into a beautiful reminder of just how important it is to be completely obedient when God asks something of me. No longer do I want to be partially obedient or only do what is asked of me when it is conveinient. The simplicity of it is, whether I am obedient or not, there will always be a consequence, whether good or bad. In my instance, if I choose to be obedient, I reap a stronger mind, body, and better health. If I choose to be disobedient, I reap confusion, depression, irritability, fatigue, weight gain, etc.
I thank God for the fact that my health is much like a thorn in my flesh. It keeps me aware of my weaknesses every day and makes me reliant on Jesus for my strength and stability. For this is just one of the ways He has answered my own personal prayer to help me stay near to Him so I do not stray away like I have in the past.
Warrior Letters 